Means To An End Part 5
(Quick note: [[words]] = telepathy)
"Xena." Ares didn't move when Xena turned to face him. When she didn't move either, he gestured for her to move toward him. Rolling her eyes, she grudgingly complied.
"What?" she asked.
"I have a problem." He said, glancing in Gabrielle's direction. Xena followed his gaze.
"If you so much as touch her..."
"I don't want to. That's the problem." He replied. Xena stared at him for a long hard minute. Then her eyes widened.
"Seems like I haven't been paying attention, have I?" She said. Ares didn't speak. "So, you're the 'nothing' she was talking to Joxer about earlier."
"Nothing? I'm nothing?" He just managed not to shriek.
"Calm yourself. I think she's just going through a phase."
"A phase. No. Gabrielle is NOT going through a phase. I think Aphrodite had something to do with it."
Xena considered for a moment, casually noticing the looks Gabrielle was throwing Ares when she thought Xena wasn't looking.
"I honestly don't know what to tell you. Just don't hurt her feelings." She finally said. Ares rolled his eyes in frustration.
"As if that's possible. She takes EVERYTHING personally." he growled.
"Maybe Hercules could help." Xena suggested. "Hercules? Have sex with Gabrielle? That's like asking Zeus to hand you his crown." Ares groaned.
"It could work."
"He already gave her the brush off." Ares explained.
"How do you know?" Xena wanted to know.
"Iolaus told me."
"Why am I the last one to know this?" Xena asked.
"You tend to get a little...feisty where Gabrielle is concerned."
"Oh." She said, looking abashed. "So what do you want me to do about it?" She asked, corners of her mouth turned up.
"Do not laugh. Do. NOT. Laugh. Besides, think about what we're talking about ere: Your best friend is coming on to a war god." He paused for emphasis. He would have said more, but Gabrielle sidled up to the conversation.
"What's going on? What are you two talking about?" She asked. Neither Xena nor Ares could think of a thing to say.
"Uh, old times." Xena finally said, looking to Ares for help. He pointedly looked away. She stifled a growl and turned to Gabrielle.
"Who's on dinner detail tonight?" She asked. Gabrielle shrugged.
"Not me."
"Who's getting wood?" Xena asked. Gabrielle shrugged again.
"I think Iolaus is getting some."
"Why don't you go help him? We're sort of in the middle of something here." Gabrielle just stood there, looking from Xena to Ares and back to Xena again.
"What are you two up to?" She asked, looking suspicious.
"None of your fucking business." Ares retorted.
"As long as it involves Xena, then it is my business!" She snapped.
"All right. We were talking about what a good fuck Joxer is." he said. Gabrielle's eyes turned to slits.
"That is NOT what you were talking about." She insisted.
"Actually..." Xena looked embarrassed. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. Gabrielle blushed from head to toe.
"Joxer?" She squeaked. Xena looked at her friend, then to Ares. Ares looked at Gabrielle in 'shock'.
"Yes, Joxer." Xena said.
"But...I mean, he's...he's..."
"Very good at what he does." Ares grinned. Xena grinned too.
"Yes, he is." she agreed.
Gabrielle missed the whole thing, she was staring at the ground trying to understand what she was being told.
"But that's only because he's a prostitute, of course he's good...I only saw him with one customer in five years, and it was in a real rat hole, I mean..."
"Gabrielle, spit it out." Xena said, exasperated.
"He's not even good looking! And he's clumsy, and he's goofy, and what kind of pathetic lump would pay him for sex? I mean, you'd have to be really desperate to want to fuck Joxer..."
"I think he's cute. And he's not always clumsy." She defended her friend and sometime lover.
"No, he is definitely not clumsy. Not when it counts, anyway." Ares smirked. "Come to think of it, he's quite coordinated."
"COORDINATED?" Gabrielle shrieked. Xena closed her eyes, a look of bliss falling over her feaatures.
"And he does this thing with his tongue..."
"You know about the tongue thing?" Ares asked in surprise. Xena opened her eyes.
"You know...I wonder what Joxer is doing right now?" She asked. Ares choked. He stared at Xena in disbelief. She waggled her eyebrows.
[[I'll hold him down while you get him undressed]] she suggested. Ares grinned.
[[Deal.]]
"Gabrielle, can we talk about this later?" Xena asked, moving away. Ares had already disappeared. It would be just like him to start without her.
"I guess." Gabrielle said, obviously distracted with thoughts about Joxer and sex. She looked like she wanted to be sick.
"Great. Um, I'll be back."