Part 3
All was well that ended well.
Only this latest trek to retrieve Ares’ sword would never end. Gabrielle was sure of it. Two weeks had passed. Ares still didn’t have his sword, he was still infatuated with Joxer, and she had yet to have sex. She once heard Strife say ‘somethin’ really sucked’. She wondered if that phrase would have applied to her current situation.
Of course there was the Joxer issue. As far as she could tell, he and Ares weren’t in a relationship. It was just something to pass the time. So there couldn’t possibly be any cheating. Add to that, Ares almost certainly had several other lovers who were simply awaiting his return.
Besides, people didn’t mind sharing Ares, and he definitely didn’t mind being shared. She wondered briefly if gods could be called sluts? Could a man be called a slut? Was there such a thing? In fact, it seemed like ALL men, at some point or other in their lives, wanted to be shared. Liberally -with all comers. Iolaus certainly did. As did Autolycus, Cupid, Strife –although stories involving the mischief god had wigged her out a bit-…wait. Perticus didn’t like the idea at all. Gabrielle wanted to slap herself for thinking of him. Great.
They were getting close to whoever the warlord it was that had it this time. At most she had two or three days before Ares departed for Olympus. Something had to change. Following him to water sources –two rivers and a lake so far- had produced no results. Cornering him in a cave didn’t work either. Laying practically on top of him had resulted in NOTHING. She needed help. And who better than a professional?
“Um, Joxer?” She said, pulling him back so the rest of the group could pass her. He looked at her with faint surprise, but allowed himself to be pulled away from the others.
“Yeah Gabrielle?”
“I was wondering if you could help me.” She said, keeping her voice low.
“Anything in the world.” He said, smiling.
“Um, you might not like it.” In fact, she was certain he probably wouldn’t.
“If it’s what I think it is, then you’re wrong.” He said, smiling with a mischievous sparkle in his eye.
“What do you think it is?” She squeaked.
“Let me ask you this: Does it have anything to do with Ares?” He asked. Gabrielle nearly choked.
“Is it that obvious?” She squeaked, to which Joxer giggled.
“I’m just surprised it took you this long. He’s always the hottest thing within a thousand miles. Well, unless Cupid’s around. But yes, it’s that obvious.”
Gabrielle stopped walking. If Joxer had noticed, then everyone else had noticed too. Which meant Ares most definitely had noticed. And ignored it.
“Oh. Has...has anyone said anything?” She asked softly. Joxer didn’t reply right away. In fact, he looked like he was about to lie. He would always get this conflicted look on his face, and then he would...
“Um, ac-actually, n-n-no, I ha-haven’t, don’t thi…”
Stutter.
“It’s okay Joxer. I won’t get mad at you.” She sighed. Joxer visibly relaxed.
“So, um...” She could feel herself blushing. Here she was asking advice from someone she routinely thought of as absolutely unattractive. The one person she never would have expected to catch a war god’s eye. This really sucked. Oh! It did fit. Next time she saw Strife she would have to thank him for a new phrase. And ask him just exactly what it was that was being sucked.
“Finesse.” Joxer’s voice brought her back to their conversation.
“What?”
“You need finesse. I mean, and please don’t take this, em, wrong, but you’ve got a bitch in heat kind of approach working. And you sort of don’t want that.”
“WHAT?” She shrieked. Joxer hastily backed away, looking horrified at his own words.
“I mean, I-I, that came out, please don’t hit me!” Joxer said, cringing.
“Never mind Joxer.” She said storming away. Joxer grabbed her arm.
“No! Don’t! I mean, you’ll never learn if –okay, I didn't mean to say it that way! It just came out wrong! Come on, Gabrielle...” Now Joxer was blushing. Gabrielle deflated.
“I’m not sexy. That’s what you meant.” She suggested. Joxer’s eyes widened.
“Of course you are! When you’re not thinking about it.” He added. Gabrielle stared at him for a long moment.
“So, I’m just trying too hard?” She asked. Joxer nodded vigorously.
“If I just act like myself, he’ll just ignore me like he always does!” She whined. Joxer crossed his eyes.
“There are no guarantees with this kind of thing. Maybe he doesn’t feel like juggling two people on one trip. Maybe he’s going through a men only phase. Or maybe...”
“Or maybe he thinks I’m revolting.” She added. Joxer clamped his mouth shut and looked away. Gabrielle threw up her hands in frustration.
“Great.” She muttered.
“I kind of feel sorry for her.” Strife admitted. Cupid favored his lover with a look of utter disbelief.
“Huh?”
“Okay, not because she’s not having sex. But because she’s not having it with Ares.”
“Oh, well, I guess I can understand. Wait, no I don’t. You never feel sorry for anybody!” Cupid pointed out. Strife looked startled for a moment, then relaxed and rubbed his stomach.
“Must be the baby.” He said with obvious relief. “So what’s the next part of the plan?”
“We’re in a holding pattern right now. Gabrielle has to actually receive advice from Joxer before we can move on.” Cupid explained.
“She looks miserable.” Strife commented. Cupid looked in the mirror and smiled. Gabrielle’s posture had seen better days. Whilst everyone else pranced and smiled and nudged each other, she trailed behind everyone looking distinctly alone.
“I wonder what’s going to happen when someone finally tells her she smells like cow manure.”
“You didn’t?!?” slapped his hand over his eyes.
“Why not?” Strife looked worried.
“Because it has to be a 'natural' revulsion. If she thinks it was because of cow manure, then she won’t learn her lesson!”
“Oh. Sorry.” Strife apologized. “Still...”
“Get rid of it.” Cupid ordered. Strife rolled his eyes and waved his hand.
“Fine.”
"Oh, and no more talking through Joxer." Cupid added. Strife looked surprised for a moment, then let a supremely smug smile spread across his face.
"Oh, ya caught that, eh?"
"Dude, yeah. And mom's way pissed."
"Oh come on, like you didn't laugh..." Strife winked. Cupid snickered then caught himself.
"Strife..."
All right, all right. I thought you two were gonna let me have some fun..."